How To Lose Weight

We were out to eat, at The Piggery (excellent and fun, by the way), and talking about food, when M. said he didn't want to gross us out by reporting on what he heard on This American Life recently. We said go ahead, as long as it's not as boring as the show usually is; we don't mind gross, we do mind pretentious ironic unpretentiousness (we like to make M. mad, easy to do).

Once he unscowled, M. told us about the topic, so-called "imitation calamari" in restaurants, that is really pig rectums, or thereabouts. Isn't that gross?

No, what's gross about it, we said; what are we eating here? The fact is, we eat hotdogs (not often, but ceremoniously, in baseball season), and we know what goes into those: everything, including some things that mightn't cross your mind, much less your knowing lips, like placenta and eyeballs.

It all reminded us (tangentially, I suppose) of a notion we had recently, of how to lose weight, by only eating things you don't like.

It was one of those brainstorm moments, based on circumstance, which was that we came home ravenous one evening, with nothing ready to eat, except for something someone made for us, a friend who is very generous, but a scattershot cook.

It was healthy, which we like, but rather bland and mushy. We thought we could fix it by seasoning, but then thought, why not leave it, and just eat enough to sustain ourselves?

Thus, the weight-loss notion. What if you cleared your kitchen of things you really like, and replaced them with healthy things you really don't? Over-eating will end, and you will become slim, practically automatically. You won't starve - in fact, if it is fava beans, cabbage, and cranberries, your make-up will no doubt improve.

One key to this scheme is no eating out. The world outside is just a big trough, you know. We would also recommend avoiding TV, or at least keeping the remote handy for when food ads broadcast. We watch sports on TV and know there is a lot of food porn during commercial breaks.

It's a simple idea, and simple ones are the best, aren't they? We wish you luck with it, and if you lose weight we will accept your thanks, although in the meantime, not your dinner invitations.